Unchoosing

People get to un-choose me.

This does not mean that I am evil or toxic or trash.

And, it may mean that I am those things for some.

For those who I am this for, please know:

You get to stay away.
You get to say no.
You get to say not now. Not ever.
You get to talk shit if that’s what helps you get through.

I am lovable.

This does not mean that everyone must and/or will love me.

Requests can be made of me. And I can deny them.

I get to be tired. I get to say today I can not hold another thing. I get to take a break from the dozens of folks I am supporting and seeking support for.

People can tell me their stories. And still not expect for me to hold them.

Claims can be made against me. Some of them will be lies.

Some of them will be truth. And when they are, it is my duty to be a part of community that will hold me accountable when I cause harm. It is my duty to trust in that community with whatever they decide. Because this will happen.

It is my duty to revere and protect children always. May I never forget that.

I want worlds, structures and languages that give us the space to think about what we do when we slip in and out of loving each other. And what we do when we haven’t agreed on love/ protection in the first place. I ache for a place that centers intimacy and accountability and does not rely on punishment.

I want to talk about how we recognize and communicate hurt, anger, rejection, fear. I want to talk about the messiness of all the things we want to work on and have not yet. I want to talk about the other voices and how hard we are on ourselves. I want to get better at killing off the chorus of white men in my head. I want to remember all the Black women that bring me with them.

I want to stop talking. I want to say “I” less.

I want these babies to see more butterflies and rivers. I want all Black stories to exist and not cancel out. I want on and offline conversations to include, “You know, what? I’m still really hurt by that thing you said. And it’s taking me a while to listen. I want to listen. Can you give me a moment?”

I am not perfect. I have done things. I have taken and cut and tried to destroy.

I am lovable. I deserve it.